Saturday, October 27, 2012
i dont wanna do this.
Daddy im growing up and this shit sucks. i dont wanna do it with out yu. and i do everything i can to make yu proud i want yu to be able to look down and smile and tell everyone thats my little girl and look what she has made of her self. i want yu to be able to be proud of the life i make for my self. but i honestly dont know how well im gonna do. not a day goes by that i dont miss yu and wish yu were here. not a moment goes by that i dont wanna hug yu. not an hour goes by that i wish i could just pick up the phone and hear your voice. i miss yu. and i really wish yu was here. dallas's little girl is perfect her name is emmalee & she was born sep. 19th at 12:53 pm. she is the best baby ive ever met. well imma go love yu & miss yu
Saturday, August 25, 2012
broken.....
Why Daddy?? Why do I always give them the ability to crush my whole world in to pieces when they never give a damn!! I really wish I could talk to you. I miss you it's been 11 months and 3 days! I haven't seen your face or heard you voice! Why am I so stupid? Why did I think he would ever give a damn about me? Your little girl is broken once again. it's like no one gives a damn how I feel or what goes on in my head! Mom don't care. Apparently Monster don't give a flying fuck! Ugh Daddy I don't know what to do. And I really, really, really, really, really miss you! It's like I'm damned if I do, and damned if I don't!!!!!! Why can't we just skip the teenage years?? The parties are not worth all the heart break that come with them.
Monday, June 11, 2012
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
she trying to send me away.....
daddy,
well guess who moved into the apt. jackie! gross!!
mom is trying to make me go to job corps. but i swear to you its nothing but niggers!
brigette is mad at me and wants me to move in with her so she has a free baby sitter. fuck that!
elizabeth hasnt talked to me in months!
grandma is mad at me cause i got pissed when i found out that scum was living in our house!
but on the bright side. i took what i thought was a pre test for my GED today... but it was the real test and i passed. its 432.00 to get it. but i doubt mom will do it! shes about a dumb bitch! i guess i will just wait til i turn sixteen to go get it here in carrollton.
i have done nothing but cried all day. i miss you and i just wish i could talk to you. i wish i could tell you all of my problems and you be able to answer and fix all of them. i wish i could hear your voice and see your face. i wish everything was back to normal. i wish that you could wipe away my tears and heal my broken heart.
well imma go and goto bed. i love you good night and sweet dreams my beautiful daddy.
xoxoxoxo your little girl.
well guess who moved into the apt. jackie! gross!!
mom is trying to make me go to job corps. but i swear to you its nothing but niggers!
brigette is mad at me and wants me to move in with her so she has a free baby sitter. fuck that!
elizabeth hasnt talked to me in months!
grandma is mad at me cause i got pissed when i found out that scum was living in our house!
but on the bright side. i took what i thought was a pre test for my GED today... but it was the real test and i passed. its 432.00 to get it. but i doubt mom will do it! shes about a dumb bitch! i guess i will just wait til i turn sixteen to go get it here in carrollton.
i have done nothing but cried all day. i miss you and i just wish i could talk to you. i wish i could tell you all of my problems and you be able to answer and fix all of them. i wish i could hear your voice and see your face. i wish everything was back to normal. i wish that you could wipe away my tears and heal my broken heart.
well imma go and goto bed. i love you good night and sweet dreams my beautiful daddy.
xoxoxoxo your little girl.
best friends and babys...........
My dearest daddy,
whats up? everything is pretty good here. dally is pregnant but i guess you already know that.
we have been through thick and thin me and that girl! when we met i didnt think we would ever be this close. but we have been thru everything. from death to sickness to baby goats to tellin duane she was pregnant to laughing to crying and so much more. its only been 5 and a half months but it feels like forever!
I miss you. i wish i knew 6 months ago what i know now. then you would be here. its almost been 5 months since ive talked to you. over 120 days. why did that happen?
in one month i will be 16 wow. i should be getting my GED soon. and then i wanna goto school for cosmetology :) welp dally just got home so imma go i love you daddy
<3your baby girl
whats up? everything is pretty good here. dally is pregnant but i guess you already know that.
we have been through thick and thin me and that girl! when we met i didnt think we would ever be this close. but we have been thru everything. from death to sickness to baby goats to tellin duane she was pregnant to laughing to crying and so much more. its only been 5 and a half months but it feels like forever!
I miss you. i wish i knew 6 months ago what i know now. then you would be here. its almost been 5 months since ive talked to you. over 120 days. why did that happen?
in one month i will be 16 wow. i should be getting my GED soon. and then i wanna goto school for cosmetology :) welp dally just got home so imma go i love you daddy
<3your baby girl
Saturday, February 11, 2012
peace love and baby goats! :)
My dearest Daddy,
we got 2 new baby goats today :)) bubba and sheba they are lamaunchas(sp) and then we have punkin whos name was marley :))
we got 2 new baby goats today :)) bubba and sheba they are lamaunchas(sp) and then we have punkin whos name was marley :))
Friday, February 10, 2012
never grow up......
Daddy,
In 1 month and 4 days I will be 16, a happy point in life right? Not for me, I cant help but to wish I was turning 6 instead of 16. If I was 6 i would have 9 more years with you, maybe even longer if i knew what i know now.
16 dad damn! I'm growing up so fast. it feels like i havent talked to you in forever. i try not to be weak and cry. but its hard daddy. ive never been good at keeping from crying. theres been night when ive cried my self to sleep. i dont like not being able to talk to you. i wanna call you and tell you everything.
I wish I never had to grow up I wish I never had to see the day that superman flew away.
Why did you have to die so young? why couldnt you have just waited until you were 80 or 90 or 150?
In 1 month and 4 days I will be 16, a happy point in life right? Not for me, I cant help but to wish I was turning 6 instead of 16. If I was 6 i would have 9 more years with you, maybe even longer if i knew what i know now.
16 dad damn! I'm growing up so fast. it feels like i havent talked to you in forever. i try not to be weak and cry. but its hard daddy. ive never been good at keeping from crying. theres been night when ive cried my self to sleep. i dont like not being able to talk to you. i wanna call you and tell you everything.
I wish I never had to grow up I wish I never had to see the day that superman flew away.
Why did you have to die so young? why couldnt you have just waited until you were 80 or 90 or 150?
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
te amo papi...
Daddy,
You know I wonder all the time, what would you be doing today if you were still alive.
Would you be at work? Would we live in alabama? Would we be chillin in carrollton?
Would mom act different? Would I be at dallas's today?
What would have happened daddy? I try not to overthink it but damn dad. This isn't fair. I only had 15 short years with you. I don't feel cheated. Because I got to spend 15 years with you. I just dont understand why it happened. You were supposed to walk me down the aisle at my weeding. You were supposed to be there when I have kids, to hold them, to love them. My kids might not get to know you as there poppa but they will know you as my daddy. This I promise you. I will tell them about you everyday.
Daddy i'm sick of crying. I'm sick of feeling like there is a piece of me missing. Where are you daddy? why did you have to go? Why did god take you. Why did that dirty mother fucker hit you? I hope your taking care of Bob. I told him if he died that the goat man would take care of him. I hope you are.
Why do bad things happen to good people? You did nothing wrong. Paw paw did nothing wrong and god is making him suffer. Why???
well daddy imma go i gotta go feed. i love you daddy and i miss you. everyday for the rest of my life. :) <3 always your baby girll!
You know I wonder all the time, what would you be doing today if you were still alive.
Would you be at work? Would we live in alabama? Would we be chillin in carrollton?
Would mom act different? Would I be at dallas's today?
What would have happened daddy? I try not to overthink it but damn dad. This isn't fair. I only had 15 short years with you. I don't feel cheated. Because I got to spend 15 years with you. I just dont understand why it happened. You were supposed to walk me down the aisle at my weeding. You were supposed to be there when I have kids, to hold them, to love them. My kids might not get to know you as there poppa but they will know you as my daddy. This I promise you. I will tell them about you everyday.
Daddy i'm sick of crying. I'm sick of feeling like there is a piece of me missing. Where are you daddy? why did you have to go? Why did god take you. Why did that dirty mother fucker hit you? I hope your taking care of Bob. I told him if he died that the goat man would take care of him. I hope you are.
Why do bad things happen to good people? You did nothing wrong. Paw paw did nothing wrong and god is making him suffer. Why???
well daddy imma go i gotta go feed. i love you daddy and i miss you. everyday for the rest of my life. :) <3 always your baby girll!
Friday, February 3, 2012
smurfs and baby goats!
My dearest Daddy.
I miss you so much. You are always on my mind. I have wanted to call you so many times today. Here are some of the things i wanted to tell you.
We got 2 baby goats from thos gay dudes off of coles lake rd today.
We named them bob and marley.
We had to goto tractor supply today and I saw the smurf! ;)
παππού πήραμε κάποια ζιζανίων. Καπνίζει την κόλαση έξω από αυτό.
Johnifer don't talk to me anymore. I really dont know what I did wrong daddy.
Paw paw is not doing very good. They have giving him 6 months to a year now.
Bob isn't doing very good either. Daddy please whatever you can do help him get better. your the goat man daddy. you can help. please give the the strength and knowledge to help this baby. he is only a day old. and its got dallas tore up. you already took johnny dammit!
I didnt think i would ever be able to go a day with out talking to you and its been 4 months now. i wish i could hear your voice. i wish i could talk to you. i wish you could hold me and wipe away my tears. i wish i didnt have a reason to cry. and i wish you was hear daddy. i love you sweet dreams my beautiful angel with the golden sparkley wings!
well daddy imma go. i love and miss you dont ever forget that.
I miss you so much. You are always on my mind. I have wanted to call you so many times today. Here are some of the things i wanted to tell you.
We got 2 baby goats from thos gay dudes off of coles lake rd today.
We named them bob and marley.
We had to goto tractor supply today and I saw the smurf! ;)
παππού πήραμε κάποια ζιζανίων. Καπνίζει την κόλαση έξω από αυτό.
Johnifer don't talk to me anymore. I really dont know what I did wrong daddy.
Paw paw is not doing very good. They have giving him 6 months to a year now.
Bob isn't doing very good either. Daddy please whatever you can do help him get better. your the goat man daddy. you can help. please give the the strength and knowledge to help this baby. he is only a day old. and its got dallas tore up. you already took johnny dammit!
I didnt think i would ever be able to go a day with out talking to you and its been 4 months now. i wish i could hear your voice. i wish i could talk to you. i wish you could hold me and wipe away my tears. i wish i didnt have a reason to cry. and i wish you was hear daddy. i love you sweet dreams my beautiful angel with the golden sparkley wings!
well daddy imma go. i love and miss you dont ever forget that.
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
daddy....
so i logged into booksie and i saw something really cool. well 2 things.
first: i saw a novel about powwows so i msged the girl and now we are kinda talkin back and forth about powwows. its pretty cool.
and second. did you know about the seven heavenly virtues?? there pretty cool. i didnt know about them until just then.
this guy from texas said something to me the other day and it has really stuck in my head. he said if your ever missin your daddy darlin just look in the mirror and smile cause your lookin at his pride and joy his princess his baby girl. and that has really helped me cause i can be feelin down and ill think about that and know that he is right. i am your princess! and i will always be cause guess what bitches im peter kassars's daughter. you can get me down you cant hurt me cause you will have one pissed off ghoast on your ass. lol i love you daddy and i miss you sooooooooo much.
so i have a new motto on life. i dont give a fuck anymore so i say/do something that someone dont like and they bitch me out imma be like... what are you gonna do go tell my daddy. keep people from talkin shit. well imma get off of here i love and miss you pops. <3always your little girl.
first: i saw a novel about powwows so i msged the girl and now we are kinda talkin back and forth about powwows. its pretty cool.
and second. did you know about the seven heavenly virtues?? there pretty cool. i didnt know about them until just then.
this guy from texas said something to me the other day and it has really stuck in my head. he said if your ever missin your daddy darlin just look in the mirror and smile cause your lookin at his pride and joy his princess his baby girl. and that has really helped me cause i can be feelin down and ill think about that and know that he is right. i am your princess! and i will always be cause guess what bitches im peter kassars's daughter. you can get me down you cant hurt me cause you will have one pissed off ghoast on your ass. lol i love you daddy and i miss you sooooooooo much.
so i have a new motto on life. i dont give a fuck anymore so i say/do something that someone dont like and they bitch me out imma be like... what are you gonna do go tell my daddy. keep people from talkin shit. well imma get off of here i love and miss you pops. <3always your little girl.
Monday, January 23, 2012
4 months and 1 day.....
Daddy i miss you. But whta new about that. Its days like these that i wish i could talk yo you.
Mom has turned her back on me. And i am goin to dallas's today cause im not gonna turn my back on the. Paw paw is really sick.
Jerry and lyda have made it very clear that if 245 is not cleaned up by feb 14 they are going to forclose.
Monkey is having another litter of kittens. Honey is sick and gator is in heaven with you.
Banjo and charlie are doin good at dallas's house.
They are comin to pick me today seeing how mom will not take me. But my family needs me so i found a way to go. Since you have died they have stepped up and filled some of the gaps in my life tryin to make me a much of a 15yr old litte girl as i can be. They do not try to take your place just try to help your little girl try to get thru her teenage years as best as possible.
I will be 16 in less than a month and a half. Scary huh. Your little girl is not so litte anymore but i promise no matter what ill always be your baby. Come hell or high water.
I am peter kassars 3's daughter and im damn proud of it! And if anyone says anything about you they better run and hide. Yeah im kinda followin in your shoes but i dont regret it.
Boo's baby is already 3lbs 15oz and he is not due until april.
Whatever grandma cooked in the kitchen smells like ass and onions. Kinda makin me sick to my stomach.
You know what the one thing that will sick with me for the rest of my life that you used to say all the time? Never look down on someone that is lower than you weather it be in food or money or what ever it be. Because you neverr know one day that might be us.
You know when maw maw called and tod me that i needed to come home that paw paw only had 3months to live i held it togeather as i taked to her but as soon as i hung up the phone i lost it. Why do bad things happen to good people? He has done nothing wrong. Just like paw paw pete and you y'all did nothing wrong.
I can get insurence(sp) ones i turn 16 and i can finally get my teeth fixed.
Oh damn daddy tomorrow josh will be dead for 6 years. Damn time flys it feels like yesterday he took me to the gas station for my 8th bday and got me a lotto ticket in that little s10 pickup he had and then we went down newmen ellis at about 80. Well i always liked to think we was goin that fast we was probably only goin 50.
I got on youtube the other day and started lookin up handdrum songs. It brought me comfort. I miss singin with you. Its not the same by myself. But then again nothing is the same. Well imma gey off here i love and miss you daddy.
<3always forever and always daddys little girl
Mom has turned her back on me. And i am goin to dallas's today cause im not gonna turn my back on the. Paw paw is really sick.
Jerry and lyda have made it very clear that if 245 is not cleaned up by feb 14 they are going to forclose.
Monkey is having another litter of kittens. Honey is sick and gator is in heaven with you.
Banjo and charlie are doin good at dallas's house.
They are comin to pick me today seeing how mom will not take me. But my family needs me so i found a way to go. Since you have died they have stepped up and filled some of the gaps in my life tryin to make me a much of a 15yr old litte girl as i can be. They do not try to take your place just try to help your little girl try to get thru her teenage years as best as possible.
I will be 16 in less than a month and a half. Scary huh. Your little girl is not so litte anymore but i promise no matter what ill always be your baby. Come hell or high water.
I am peter kassars 3's daughter and im damn proud of it! And if anyone says anything about you they better run and hide. Yeah im kinda followin in your shoes but i dont regret it.
Boo's baby is already 3lbs 15oz and he is not due until april.
Whatever grandma cooked in the kitchen smells like ass and onions. Kinda makin me sick to my stomach.
You know what the one thing that will sick with me for the rest of my life that you used to say all the time? Never look down on someone that is lower than you weather it be in food or money or what ever it be. Because you neverr know one day that might be us.
You know when maw maw called and tod me that i needed to come home that paw paw only had 3months to live i held it togeather as i taked to her but as soon as i hung up the phone i lost it. Why do bad things happen to good people? He has done nothing wrong. Just like paw paw pete and you y'all did nothing wrong.
I can get insurence(sp) ones i turn 16 and i can finally get my teeth fixed.
Oh damn daddy tomorrow josh will be dead for 6 years. Damn time flys it feels like yesterday he took me to the gas station for my 8th bday and got me a lotto ticket in that little s10 pickup he had and then we went down newmen ellis at about 80. Well i always liked to think we was goin that fast we was probably only goin 50.
I got on youtube the other day and started lookin up handdrum songs. It brought me comfort. I miss singin with you. Its not the same by myself. But then again nothing is the same. Well imma gey off here i love and miss you daddy.
<3always forever and always daddys little girl
Sunday, November 6, 2011
.....!
daddy i miss you! im at dallas's for her sweet sixteen! ive had a good time but i wish it was you that was comin to pick me up tomorrow not mom! liz is being induced tomorrow yay! i wish i could see you! it helps being with friends but the pain never fully goes away! i dont think there has been a day in my life that i havent talked to you until now! and it sucks! did you like your punkin? i couldnt stand you not havin one! im watchin rodeo :) waitin for broncs to come on!! allie is comin down on the 14th! and aunt lolo is comin on tuesday i think! i cant wait to see both of them! i still havent gotten to see johnifer or WH. oh speaking of him he hasnt talked to me since he was bitchin about the 13 yr old! jackie keeps tryin to hook up with grandma if he dont stop im gonna take up your place and i'll use your saying for this by the time im done with him he will be "walkin like a broke dick dog" hahahahahaha but no im for real he is really pisssin me off! do you miss me? cause i miss you. had DL you should be proud of me im your buckaroo! me and grandma have been gettin in to it lately. its not my fault that i get an additude when she questions everything i do like im a mental midget 5 year old! hey dad you remeber that one time we were comin home from chippas pw and you were laughing so hard at bobbie lee that you about ran us off the road? him in his pink thong with a ball hangin out both sides! hahahahaha i love you pops and i miss you! thank you for letting me dream of you a few mights ago! i will forever be grateful for you letting me see your face once again! please let there be more times than that i realllllllllyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy miss you like you dont ever know! so what are you comin back as in your second life? a bet its something stupid! ;) well tay wants to get on so imma go! i love you daddy!! sweet dreams my beautiful daddy!!
<3always hlk forever daddys little boy and always daddys little girl!
<3always hlk forever daddys little boy and always daddys little girl!
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
superman!
Superman! I'm feeling pretty fucking blue! I miss you and this has been one of the worst days yet! I don't know what to do Daddy! I need a home I need you! Finding a home is way harder than it seems. Not a house, a house is easy to find but I need a home! All in all I need you! Not a home, not a house! I need my daddy! Why can't we just find a home! 1120 that is a home, not a home that I want to live in but how ever it is a home! 245 that is a house that we made a home because of you! Clay county that was a house that all of them were willing to make a home because thats where you wanted to move! Liz might be going into labor, oh the joys! Everyone is gonna be obsessing over that now! Don't get me wrong it is a blessing for the simple fact that every baby is a blessing! But I don't want something new in my life! I just want my old life back the life I had with my daddy going to the sale barns, and living in a shithole, and eating beans potatos and corn bread everynight, and listen to your crap taste in music, and listening to greenday as loud as it will go, and goin to the flea market, and eating pizza hut cause its the onlything everyone would agree on, and me and you washing max! I want all of that back! I want to be able to see johnifer 3 times a week and go over to dallas's 5 times a week and to sit by the fire with you and all of that I want back but I cant have it! why?? Why was it you? Better yet why wasn't it me!?
What can I do to make this hurt go away? What can I do to make everyones heart stop hurting? What can I say to make everyone realize that I'm not a kid? You understood that! I want to paint my room 9million different colors with you or go sit by the lake with you or go back in the woods and shoot with you! why can't i have that? why cant i be a normal 15 year old that has there daddy there? well dad imma go cause i gotta go down stairs! i'll write you later! i love you daddy never for get that! your my superman your my light on my dark days your my inspertion your my hero! i love you daddy! i dont know if there is sleep in heaven but if so sweet dreams my beautiful daddy i miss you!
<3always! forever and always daddys little boy!
What can I do to make this hurt go away? What can I do to make everyones heart stop hurting? What can I say to make everyone realize that I'm not a kid? You understood that! I want to paint my room 9million different colors with you or go sit by the lake with you or go back in the woods and shoot with you! why can't i have that? why cant i be a normal 15 year old that has there daddy there? well dad imma go cause i gotta go down stairs! i'll write you later! i love you daddy never for get that! your my superman your my light on my dark days your my inspertion your my hero! i love you daddy! i dont know if there is sleep in heaven but if so sweet dreams my beautiful daddy i miss you!
<3always! forever and always daddys little boy!
anger problems
yellow. that is not how im feeling. really im feeling green! Daddy i dont know what to do zack called me last night and i was a major bitch! the special someone text me the other night. it made my day but all he wanted to talk about was the 13 year old! gross! well i miss you and its not the same with out you. i wish you could reply back to me! even though i would be totally freaked out. i just wish i could hear from you, see you, talk to you, hug you, goto you when i have a bad dream! but whats really fucked up is ive only dreamed like 2 times since you died! once was about you but i never made it to you and the other time was about Waffle House;) haha. i wish i could just go back home i feel like ive been EVERYWHERE since you died like i havent stayed in one place more than a night! its really messed up! do you miss me cause i miss you! and there isnt a doubt in my mind that you love me! fill ins are the only thing that keeps my mind off of things but even with them a word comes up and brings me crashing back to reality like billygoat or dad or peter! ive got to take another test on the 10th cause i still havent started! what do you think of the name madison clare or abigal madison. i know what im namin the boy logan peter! tata bought me a twilight thing to write you in. there so cute! well im gonna go i love you! i miss you daddy!
Friday, October 21, 2011
reminsing
i decided to write you in green this time! lol i know you would be shakin your head at me but im your crazy ass daughter! you made me and you made me crazy! haha! i miss you dad i really do. i wish i could just call you. even if all you said was hey i just want to hear your voice. but what i really want is for you to come home so i can see you and hug you. dude im like addicted to fill ins they are like my drug!!!! lol you dont have to worry about me doin crack dad im feening on fill ins!!! hahahahahahahahahaha! i can see you now shaking your head and laughing at me. nothing i ever did was wrong to you and if it was then you still throught it was funny!!! you always had me crackin the fuck up!
is it messed up that i kinda want john h. to walk me down the isle at my wedding. i guess if i cant have my real daddy there i can settle for my second one!
so whats it like paintin heaven? did ya get a new set of waites, do they have purdys up there of is it like gold? lmao! do they have animals up there? dallas hopes your takin care of johnny for her but how does that work? if animals really do go to heaven i know casper was at the crossroads along with unk and paw paw and grandma and josh waiting for you. i can just see him jumpin up on you and kiss your cheek like he always did. what about roxy? that fat bitch probably waddled up and horned you! lol well i'll write you late i love you with all my heart! please come see me in my dreams and dont give me a fake out like you did the other day and call me and tell me your not dead but then never let me make it to you! i love you daddy! and miss you with everything i have! ps i might get to see you know who this weekend ;)) hahahahahahahahahaaa!
is it messed up that i kinda want john h. to walk me down the isle at my wedding. i guess if i cant have my real daddy there i can settle for my second one!
so whats it like paintin heaven? did ya get a new set of waites, do they have purdys up there of is it like gold? lmao! do they have animals up there? dallas hopes your takin care of johnny for her but how does that work? if animals really do go to heaven i know casper was at the crossroads along with unk and paw paw and grandma and josh waiting for you. i can just see him jumpin up on you and kiss your cheek like he always did. what about roxy? that fat bitch probably waddled up and horned you! lol well i'll write you late i love you with all my heart! please come see me in my dreams and dont give me a fake out like you did the other day and call me and tell me your not dead but then never let me make it to you! i love you daddy! and miss you with everything i have! ps i might get to see you know who this weekend ;)) hahahahahahahahahaaa!
fears
you know what my biggest fears are now dad?? christmas with out you, how am i supposed to be marry? thanksgiving with out you, how am i supposed to be thankful when god took my whole life? my 16th brithday, how am i supposed to have a sweet sixteen with out havin a daddy daughter dance with out you? court, how am i supposed to go in there and be confident with out you there to hold my hand? having a baby, how am i supposed to have a baby with out you there to hold him/her when he/she is born? christmas eve, how am i supposed to make cookies for 'santa' when you were always the one that ate them? having my first date, who is gonna be there to scare the shit out of them? easter without you, who is gonna take me to church? and it really sucks. i really miss you!
I'm really starting to like him dad. who am i gonna talk to about it? shit you knew i liked him before i liked him. and you knew that every time we saw him you were gonna hear about him for the next week! and then we would see him again the next weekend and you would hear about that. i'm scared dad! i really am! but you know thats the funny thing about life you can be scared shitless but you still do what ever scares you. going to your funeral that scared me but i was still there. driving around that night trying to find you?? that scared me beyond anything ive ever felf before! but i still did because i was gonna find you and you were supposed to still be alive! I NEED you! why did god take you? why did he have to take my daddy that was doing nothing wrong? you were supposed to be alive forever! you were supposed to be at my wedding and my hospital when my kids were born! you were supposed to be there this christmas and thanksgiving and new years and my birthday and your birthday and easter and EVERYTHING in between! you were supposed to be there this halloweeen when i would have asked you if i could go trick or treating with my friends in a stupid little outfit that you would have hated and i would have loved and froze my ass off in!!! you were my best friend above anyone else and i told you way more than i should have but you always thought it was funny and even if you would try to get on to me you would be laughing so hard at what ever it was that you could never get the point across that it was the wrong thing to do/say!
i remember a few weeks ago we went to woodland and it was just you and me because mom didnt want to go and i pissed off elizabeth so she wouldnt go cause i wanted it to just be you and me. that our last you and me. but we had so much fun that was the weekend we got charlie. were ridin down the road screaming songs at the top of our lungs with the windows down i had to crawl over the seat and get your sprite that had rolled under the seat. i was doin my eyebrows and make up. or what about that time we went huntin last thanksgivin it was so fuckin cold i about froze my ass off and you were just sittin there like it was nothing. and them damn deer were staying just far enough away to keep from gettin shot! im gonna miss that dad. yeah i was freezin my ass off but it was just you and me noone else and noone was gonna take that from me! thats how its always been dad just you and me! then there was that one time at deer lick park when you were fishin and i was layin on a blanket reading you kept catchin pissy little bait fish. i decided i wanted to cast out so i went and got your pole and casted out waited about a min and pulled out the biggest bass i have ever caught! that was pretty fuckin funny you were so pissed!
the night before you died you tried to wake me up to go feed charlie and i wouldnt get up so you just fed him so i would have to. and then you fed him the next mornin so i wouldnt have to get up even though it was my goat and my job to feed him. you did it because you are the best daddy in the world and would do anything for your little girl! i miss that dad. i miss your voice i miss your hugs i miss your smell i miss your everything..
I'm really starting to like him dad. who am i gonna talk to about it? shit you knew i liked him before i liked him. and you knew that every time we saw him you were gonna hear about him for the next week! and then we would see him again the next weekend and you would hear about that. i'm scared dad! i really am! but you know thats the funny thing about life you can be scared shitless but you still do what ever scares you. going to your funeral that scared me but i was still there. driving around that night trying to find you?? that scared me beyond anything ive ever felf before! but i still did because i was gonna find you and you were supposed to still be alive! I NEED you! why did god take you? why did he have to take my daddy that was doing nothing wrong? you were supposed to be alive forever! you were supposed to be at my wedding and my hospital when my kids were born! you were supposed to be there this christmas and thanksgiving and new years and my birthday and your birthday and easter and EVERYTHING in between! you were supposed to be there this halloweeen when i would have asked you if i could go trick or treating with my friends in a stupid little outfit that you would have hated and i would have loved and froze my ass off in!!! you were my best friend above anyone else and i told you way more than i should have but you always thought it was funny and even if you would try to get on to me you would be laughing so hard at what ever it was that you could never get the point across that it was the wrong thing to do/say!
i remember a few weeks ago we went to woodland and it was just you and me because mom didnt want to go and i pissed off elizabeth so she wouldnt go cause i wanted it to just be you and me. that our last you and me. but we had so much fun that was the weekend we got charlie. were ridin down the road screaming songs at the top of our lungs with the windows down i had to crawl over the seat and get your sprite that had rolled under the seat. i was doin my eyebrows and make up. or what about that time we went huntin last thanksgivin it was so fuckin cold i about froze my ass off and you were just sittin there like it was nothing. and them damn deer were staying just far enough away to keep from gettin shot! im gonna miss that dad. yeah i was freezin my ass off but it was just you and me noone else and noone was gonna take that from me! thats how its always been dad just you and me! then there was that one time at deer lick park when you were fishin and i was layin on a blanket reading you kept catchin pissy little bait fish. i decided i wanted to cast out so i went and got your pole and casted out waited about a min and pulled out the biggest bass i have ever caught! that was pretty fuckin funny you were so pissed!
the night before you died you tried to wake me up to go feed charlie and i wouldnt get up so you just fed him so i would have to. and then you fed him the next mornin so i wouldnt have to get up even though it was my goat and my job to feed him. you did it because you are the best daddy in the world and would do anything for your little girl! i miss that dad. i miss your voice i miss your hugs i miss your smell i miss your everything..
Thursday, October 20, 2011
i need you
today it has been 4 thursdays. i miss you! its not the same without you here. i went to the grave today they still don't have your head stone. i found a voice recording of you singing last night. though it brought warmth and happiness it also brought sadness and sorrow. hearing your voice made my day though. i wish i could see you. pictures don't make everything better. i wish i could hear that laugh that i miss so much. your jokes were always funny even though you could only catch about 2 words because you were laughing so hard. i miss singing with you. i miss laughing with you. i miss talking with you. i miss riding down the road with you. i miss going to work with you. and you know that is the fucked up thing i was supposed to be in the car with you that day. i was supposed to be in the seat behind yours. you didn't wake me up. why was i not the one that died? why did god take you and not me? why dad why was it you? i remember being a little girl falling asleep every night listen to your voice vibrate through your chest while you talked on the phone. i remember riding to the dump in my old ford pickup truck. i remember singing with you in our old green van. i remember when i was a little girl not going to sleep until you got home from work even if i was having to fight to stay awake. i remember fishin' with you. and last thanksgiving us going huntin'. i didn't want you to suffer but goddamn dad why could you not have held on just until the EMTs got there. why could you not have held on! i need you. who am i going to go to when i have a bad dream. who am i gonna go to when i'm sick and need chicken soup? who do i call when i need a question answered? who dad who? i need you!!!!!! can't you see i NEED YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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