superman!

Superman! I'm feeling pretty fucking blue! I miss you and this has been one of the worst days yet! I don't know what to do Daddy! I need a home I need you! Finding a home is way harder than it seems. Not a house, a house is easy to find but I need a home! All in all I need you! Not a home, not a house! I need my daddy! Why can't we just find a home! 1120 that is a home, not a home that I want to live in but how ever it is a home! 245 that is a house that we made a home because of you! Clay county that was a house that all of them were willing to make a home because thats where you wanted to move! Liz might be going into labor, oh the joys! Everyone is gonna be obsessing over that now! Don't get me wrong it is a blessing for the simple fact that every baby is a blessing! But I don't want something new in my life! I just want my old life back the life I had with my daddy going to the sale barns, and living in a shithole, and eating beans potatos and corn bread everynight, and listen to your crap taste in music, and listening to greenday as loud as it will go, and goin to the flea market, and eating pizza hut cause its the onlything everyone would agree on, and me and you washing max! I want all of that back! I want to be able to see johnifer 3 times a week and go over to dallas's 5 times a week and to sit by the fire with you and all of that I want back but I cant have it! why?? Why was it you? Better yet why wasn't it me!? 


What can I do to make this hurt go away? What can I do to make everyones heart stop hurting? What can I say to make everyone realize that I'm not a kid? You understood that! I want to paint my room 9million different colors with you or go sit by the lake with you or go back in the woods and shoot with you! why can't i have that? why cant i be a normal 15 year old that has there daddy there? well dad imma go cause i gotta go down stairs! i'll write you  later! i love you daddy never for get that! your my superman your my light on my dark days your my inspertion your my hero! i love you daddy! i dont know if there is sleep in heaven but if so sweet dreams my beautiful daddy i miss you!


<3always! forever and always daddys little boy!

anger problems

yellow. that is not how im feeling. really im feeling green! Daddy i dont know what to do zack called me last night and i was a major bitch! the special someone text me the other night. it made my day but all he wanted to talk about was the 13 year old! gross! well i miss you and its not the same with out you. i wish you could reply back to me! even though i would be totally freaked out. i just wish i could hear from you, see you, talk to you, hug you, goto you when i have a bad dream! but whats really fucked up is ive only dreamed like 2 times since you died! once was about you but i never made it to you and the other time was about Waffle House;) haha. i wish i could just go back home i feel like ive been EVERYWHERE since you died like i havent stayed in one place more than a night! its really messed up! do you miss me cause i miss you! and there isnt a doubt in my mind that you love me! fill ins are the only thing that keeps my mind off of things but even with them a word comes up and brings me crashing back to reality like billygoat or dad or peter! ive got to take another test on the 10th cause i still havent started! what do you think of the name madison clare or abigal madison. i know what im namin the boy logan peter! tata bought me a twilight thing to write you in. there so cute! well im gonna go i love you! i miss you daddy!

reminsing

i decided to write you in green this time! lol i know you would be shakin your head at me but im your crazy ass daughter! you made me and you made me crazy! haha! i miss you dad i really do. i wish i could just call you. even if all you said was hey i just want to hear your voice. but what i really want is for you to come home so i can see you and hug you. dude im like addicted to fill ins they are like my drug!!!! lol you dont have to worry about me doin crack dad im feening on fill ins!!! hahahahahahahahahaha! i can see you now shaking your head and laughing at me. nothing i ever did was wrong to you and if it was then you still throught it was funny!!! you always had me crackin the fuck up!


is it messed up that i kinda want john h. to walk me down the isle at my wedding. i guess if i cant have my real daddy there i can settle for my second one! 


so whats it like paintin heaven? did ya get a new set of waites, do they have purdys up there of is it like gold? lmao! do they have animals up there? dallas hopes your takin care of johnny for her but how does that work?  if animals really do go to heaven i know casper was at the crossroads along with unk and paw paw and grandma and josh waiting for you. i can just see him jumpin up on you and kiss your cheek like he always did. what about roxy? that fat bitch probably waddled up and horned you! lol well i'll write you late i love you with all my heart! please come see me in my dreams and dont give me a fake out like you did the other day and call me and tell me your not dead but then never let me make it to you! i love you daddy! and miss you with everything i have! ps i might get to see you know who this weekend ;)) hahahahahahahahahaaa!

fears

you know what my biggest fears are now dad?? christmas with out you, how am i supposed to be marry? thanksgiving with out you, how am i supposed to be thankful when god took my whole life? my 16th brithday, how am i supposed to have a sweet sixteen with out havin a daddy daughter dance with out you? court, how am i supposed to go in there and be confident with out you there to hold my hand? having a baby, how am i supposed to have a baby with out you there to hold him/her when he/she is born? christmas eve, how am i supposed to make cookies for 'santa' when you were always the one that ate them? having my first date, who is gonna be there to scare the shit out of them? easter without you, who is gonna take me to church? and it really sucks. i really miss you! 


I'm really starting to like him dad. who am i gonna talk to about it? shit you knew i liked him before i liked him. and you knew that every time we saw him you were gonna hear about him for the next week! and then we would see him again the next weekend and you would hear about that. i'm scared dad! i really am! but you know thats the funny thing about life you can be scared shitless but you still do what ever scares you. going to your funeral that scared me but i was still there. driving around that night trying to find you?? that scared me beyond anything ive ever felf before! but i still did because i was gonna find you and you were supposed to still be alive! I NEED you! why did god take you? why did he have to take my daddy that was doing nothing wrong? you were supposed to be alive forever! you were supposed to be at my wedding and my hospital when my kids were born! you were supposed to be there this christmas and thanksgiving and new years and my birthday and your birthday and easter and EVERYTHING in between! you were supposed to be there this halloweeen when i would have asked you if i could go trick or treating with my friends in a stupid little outfit that you would have hated and i would have loved and froze my ass off in!!! you were my best friend above anyone else and i told you way more than i should have but you always thought it was funny and even if you would try to get on to me you would be laughing so hard at what ever it was that you could never get the point across that it was the wrong thing to do/say! 


i remember a few weeks ago we went to woodland and it was just you and me because mom didnt want to go and i pissed off elizabeth so she wouldnt go cause i wanted it to just be you and me. that our last you and me. but we had so much fun that was the weekend we got charlie. were ridin down the road screaming songs at the top of our lungs with the windows down i had to crawl over the seat and get your sprite that had rolled under the seat. i was doin my eyebrows and make up. or what about that time we went huntin last thanksgivin it was so fuckin cold i about froze my ass off and you were just sittin there like it was nothing. and them damn deer were staying just far enough away to keep from gettin shot! im gonna miss that dad. yeah i was freezin my ass off but it was just you and me noone else and noone was gonna take that from me! thats how its always been dad just you and me! then there was that one time at deer lick park when you were fishin and i was layin on a blanket reading you kept catchin pissy little bait fish. i decided i wanted to cast out so i went and got your pole and casted out waited about a min and pulled out the biggest bass i have ever caught! that was pretty fuckin funny you were so pissed! 


the night before you died you tried to wake me up to go feed charlie and i wouldnt get up so you just fed him so i would have to. and then you fed him the next mornin so i wouldnt have to get up even though it was my goat and my job to feed him. you did it because you are the best daddy in the world and would do anything for your little girl! i miss that dad. i miss your voice i miss your hugs i miss your smell i miss your everything..

i need you

today it has been 4 thursdays. i miss you! its not the same without you here. i went to the grave today they still don't have your head stone. i found a voice recording of you singing last night. though it brought warmth and happiness it also brought sadness and sorrow. hearing your voice made my day though. i wish i could see you. pictures don't make everything better. i wish i could hear that laugh that i miss so much. your jokes were always funny even though you could only catch about 2 words because you were laughing so hard. i miss singing with you. i miss laughing with you. i miss talking with you. i miss riding down the road with you. i miss going to work with you. and you know that is the fucked up thing i was supposed to be in the car with you that day. i was supposed to be in the seat behind yours. you didn't wake me up. why was i not the one that died? why did god take you and not me? why dad why was it you? i remember being a little girl falling asleep every night listen to your voice vibrate through your chest while you talked on the phone. i remember riding to the dump in my old ford pickup truck. i remember singing with you in our old green van. i remember when i was a little girl not going to sleep until you got home from work even if i was having to fight to stay awake. i remember fishin' with you. and last thanksgiving us going huntin'. i didn't want you to suffer but goddamn dad why could you not have held on just until the EMTs got there. why could you not have held on! i need you. who am i going to go to when i have a bad dream. who am i gonna go to when i'm sick and need chicken soup? who do i call when i need a question answered? who dad who? i need you!!!!!! can't you see i NEED YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!