i need you

today it has been 4 thursdays. i miss you! its not the same without you here. i went to the grave today they still don't have your head stone. i found a voice recording of you singing last night. though it brought warmth and happiness it also brought sadness and sorrow. hearing your voice made my day though. i wish i could see you. pictures don't make everything better. i wish i could hear that laugh that i miss so much. your jokes were always funny even though you could only catch about 2 words because you were laughing so hard. i miss singing with you. i miss laughing with you. i miss talking with you. i miss riding down the road with you. i miss going to work with you. and you know that is the fucked up thing i was supposed to be in the car with you that day. i was supposed to be in the seat behind yours. you didn't wake me up. why was i not the one that died? why did god take you and not me? why dad why was it you? i remember being a little girl falling asleep every night listen to your voice vibrate through your chest while you talked on the phone. i remember riding to the dump in my old ford pickup truck. i remember singing with you in our old green van. i remember when i was a little girl not going to sleep until you got home from work even if i was having to fight to stay awake. i remember fishin' with you. and last thanksgiving us going huntin'. i didn't want you to suffer but goddamn dad why could you not have held on just until the EMTs got there. why could you not have held on! i need you. who am i going to go to when i have a bad dream. who am i gonna go to when i'm sick and need chicken soup? who do i call when i need a question answered? who dad who? i need you!!!!!! can't you see i NEED YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!