fears

you know what my biggest fears are now dad?? christmas with out you, how am i supposed to be marry? thanksgiving with out you, how am i supposed to be thankful when god took my whole life? my 16th brithday, how am i supposed to have a sweet sixteen with out havin a daddy daughter dance with out you? court, how am i supposed to go in there and be confident with out you there to hold my hand? having a baby, how am i supposed to have a baby with out you there to hold him/her when he/she is born? christmas eve, how am i supposed to make cookies for 'santa' when you were always the one that ate them? having my first date, who is gonna be there to scare the shit out of them? easter without you, who is gonna take me to church? and it really sucks. i really miss you! 


I'm really starting to like him dad. who am i gonna talk to about it? shit you knew i liked him before i liked him. and you knew that every time we saw him you were gonna hear about him for the next week! and then we would see him again the next weekend and you would hear about that. i'm scared dad! i really am! but you know thats the funny thing about life you can be scared shitless but you still do what ever scares you. going to your funeral that scared me but i was still there. driving around that night trying to find you?? that scared me beyond anything ive ever felf before! but i still did because i was gonna find you and you were supposed to still be alive! I NEED you! why did god take you? why did he have to take my daddy that was doing nothing wrong? you were supposed to be alive forever! you were supposed to be at my wedding and my hospital when my kids were born! you were supposed to be there this christmas and thanksgiving and new years and my birthday and your birthday and easter and EVERYTHING in between! you were supposed to be there this halloweeen when i would have asked you if i could go trick or treating with my friends in a stupid little outfit that you would have hated and i would have loved and froze my ass off in!!! you were my best friend above anyone else and i told you way more than i should have but you always thought it was funny and even if you would try to get on to me you would be laughing so hard at what ever it was that you could never get the point across that it was the wrong thing to do/say! 


i remember a few weeks ago we went to woodland and it was just you and me because mom didnt want to go and i pissed off elizabeth so she wouldnt go cause i wanted it to just be you and me. that our last you and me. but we had so much fun that was the weekend we got charlie. were ridin down the road screaming songs at the top of our lungs with the windows down i had to crawl over the seat and get your sprite that had rolled under the seat. i was doin my eyebrows and make up. or what about that time we went huntin last thanksgivin it was so fuckin cold i about froze my ass off and you were just sittin there like it was nothing. and them damn deer were staying just far enough away to keep from gettin shot! im gonna miss that dad. yeah i was freezin my ass off but it was just you and me noone else and noone was gonna take that from me! thats how its always been dad just you and me! then there was that one time at deer lick park when you were fishin and i was layin on a blanket reading you kept catchin pissy little bait fish. i decided i wanted to cast out so i went and got your pole and casted out waited about a min and pulled out the biggest bass i have ever caught! that was pretty fuckin funny you were so pissed! 


the night before you died you tried to wake me up to go feed charlie and i wouldnt get up so you just fed him so i would have to. and then you fed him the next mornin so i wouldnt have to get up even though it was my goat and my job to feed him. you did it because you are the best daddy in the world and would do anything for your little girl! i miss that dad. i miss your voice i miss your hugs i miss your smell i miss your everything..